If you're reading this today, you can relate to trauma and the impact of negative situations in your life.  The level of degrees may vary, but everyone has been through something.  Physical pain, loss, financial hardship, difficult relationships, abuse, dysfunction, unresolved issues, grief, failure, betrayal, depression and so many other "broken things".  We go through STUFF and when we get to the other side, we tend to carry a film of past residue in our thoughts, our hearts and our bodies.  

In his 2014 book "The Body Keeps Score", Bessel van der Kolk, MD talks about how trauma is remembered by our bodies even if we aren't aware of it.  Trauma impacts the brain and causes our nervous system to be on high alert, constantly ready to face the next threat.  Even if you've determined with your mind that you are safe, the body remembers and holds on to that past trauma...until you heal.  

Then, there is the other side of emotional and mental trauma that gives you a high tolerance threshold for toxic behavior.  Childhood often grooms people to continue cycles of dysfunction and without even knowing, you translate tolerance into endurance.  You adopt a mindset of "I can handle this", "I'm patient, committed and able to endure."  All the while, you are actually giving a trauma response to a continuing cycle of toxicity.  

Anxiety, fear, numbness, the inability to be vulnerable, fight, flight, low expectations, hopelessness, bad habits, attachment issues and lack of vision for anything good ahead....all of these things settle in and become a part of the stain from the last season.  Unknowingly, we approach a new season with an old mindset.  We see something new but we expect something old.  We anticipate the worst.  We prepare for disaster.  We carry old habits into new positions.  We procrastinate.  We put hope on the back burner and try to navigate a new land with old coping mechanisms and dusty ways of thinking.  If we are not intentional and aware, the residue becomes the shaky foundation for the "new".  

Isaiah 43 says, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past."  The word "DWELL" means to be fully present in a place, to live or stay as a permanent resident; to live or continue in a given condition or state.  For so many of us, our physical positions change but our minds, bodies and souls continue to be fully present in a past place.  Anxiety continues to ravage our minds.  Fear holds us back from successes.  Pain grips our hearts and keeps us from opening to new opportunities.  The lies of bondage continue to lead the way in a new land and before you know it, you smell like smoke.  You may not "look like what you've been through", but you sound like it!

I'm reminded of Lot's wife who looked back...we often consider this only as it relates to longing for sin, but what if we look deeper at it and consider how so many of us "look back", holding on to the dwelling place of trauma.  I can see Lot's wife considering all who she was leaving behind, maybe trying to minimize the disaster of what was about to ensue.  She had attachments, not just to behaviors but to people, places and things.  She had habits and ways of living and now, she was challenged to leave it all behind.  The significance of her turning into a pillar of salt is deep...she stopped moving and was ultimately destroyed.  She was being called into the new, outside of her comfort zone.  She was needing to walk away from some people and places but because she desired to "dwell" in that place...that place was PRESERVED in her and she was destroyed.  

Some of us have been being called into the "new" for some time now.  Long before the ball dropped in Times Square, there has been a ticking in your spirit to move into the new thing.  But the desert and wasteland has been stuck in your rear view mirror...you can't imagine streams bursting forth because you have settled into desert thinking.  You've learned to survive on little.  You've accepted low expectations and fear of failure as the norm.  Dysfunction has become the way you navigate but that is residue, my friend.  What has failed OR succeeded in the past season is just that...PAST.  God is calling us into something that we have yet to fully experience.  If failure has become your norm, shake that thinking off by the power of Jesus and expect that a shift has already taken place.  If anxiety has been steering your forward movement, remember that fear is not your portion but rather love, power and a sound mind.  Loss is not your expectation but recompense and restoration are indeed yours.  Increase and promise are your inheritance but you must reject the residue and be cleansed from the stench of Egypt.  

My dear sisters, the enemy is cunning.  He is highly deceptive and manipulation is his forte.  Hear me when I say this...he will CONVINCE you to reside in the place of residue.  He will entice you with the familiar.  But you cannot afford to be preserved in that place.  Promise is waiting just up ahead.  Whatever your residue is, I encourage you to take time to sit with it, identify it and then renounce it...give it a resting place, let go and move on.  What God is about to do in your life is astounding and the only thing that will hold you back is YOU.  

I love you, as always, and I pray God's very best for you as you find a new place to DWELL in this season.  

My sisters, in the midst of shopping, ordering and wrapping gifts this season, I encourage you to take time to bring your most valuable gifts to the One who is worthy of it all.  The fears, anxieties, worries that have robbed your sleep...layered with the pain that has burdened your shoulders- the grief, loneliness, loss, offenses, the betrayals and rejections.  Add in all of your desires, hopes, dreams and expectations for the future.  This is your worship, my sister.  Bring your gift to baby Jesus...lay it at His feet...He is worthy of it all.  It is your most valuable offering.  The baby, in his most vulnerable and weak state, capable of bearing all that is buried deep within you.  God yet man.  Able to rise, carry and conquer your greatest struggles.  Wrap it up, lay it down at His feet.  During this season of giving, give to Jesus that which has the most worth to you...the culmination of all that has shaped you this year.  Let Him receive your vulnerabilities, your most intimate offering.  Empty it all at His feet and let Him wash you in His presence.  I promise you- you will receive healing for your soul.  I pray that you are overwhelmed with the gift of your Savior this holiday season.  The gift of His presence and Divine provision.  I love you.  I'm praying for you and I'm believing that there is a deep, supernatural change taking place on the inside of you.  

I'm not sure that this will be a regular topic on my blog, but I am sure that today, it is most relevant.  I don't watch the news but my sisters texted me last evening about the mass shooting in Lewiston, Maine.  I just read that 22 people are dead and I fear that number may keep rising.  The gunman is on the loose...the only part of this story that isn't all too familiar to us.  We've become that nation of mass shootings.  Gun control, gun laws, all relevant to this discussion but none greater than the issue of mental health.  These shootings are symptomatic!  Guns in the hands of healthy people are not a threat to society.  The problem is, we have a whole nation of unhealthy people.  Robert Card was said to have been checked in at a mental health hospital a month or so ago for hearing voices.  I guess I applaud the fact that he checked in.  I'm not sure if he was forced to or not, but that was more than most do.  

Why?  Because as much as we talk about mental health, we still, as a society, walk around like it isn't as real and threatening as it is.  Tuesday, I told my volunteer team this..."People are walking around, one hair away from cracking.  We are here to love, nurture and encourage, not to be the straw that broke the camel's back."  It is personal and it is professional...I am all too familiar with the detrimental effects of those suffering from mental health issues.  Yet, we still walk around on eggshells, afraid to offend or bear the backlash of confrontation.  As a result, the cycle perpetuates, and we reproduce trauma...passing it from one person to another and down from generation to generation to generation.  

Stress, trauma, genetics, grief, brokenness, life...people are carrying around weights that they can't safely carry.  They are hurting and those around them are hurting as a result.  Families are suffering, individuals are suffering and as a whole, our society is suffering.  Violence, substance abuse, financial troubles, instability, poverty, abuse, broken homes, the list goes on.  Every single issue that I deal with at the center is somehow attached to mental health.  For some, it started during childhood- abuse, neglect, mistreatment, a lack of nurturing and safety.  For others, it was a traumatic event that was never addressed.  Bitterness, anger, pride, pain...they take root and then they shift an individual's entire trajectory.  Their perspective changes.  They view things through a broken lens and then build everything in their lives upon this sinking, stinking foundation.  Self-sabotage.  More trauma.  Sometimes, it feels like we can focus on suicide, but that's not the only death to avoid.  One by one by one by one....burned bridges, broken relationships, burdened loved ones, damaged children, lost jobs, purpose never attained.  Death to dreams.  Death to families.  Death to relationships.  Death to purpose.  It's one step forward, two steps back.  Up, but then down again.  UP and then down again.  UP.  DOWN.  UP. DOWN. Each time, maybe a bit higher and then maybe a bit lower.  Some, walking from disaster to disaster to disaster.  

We pray for change.  We wait for change.  We may even try to call for help, but no one dares to tackle the monkey of mental health.  You know why?  Because it's dangerous.  There's too much risk attached.  It's a sensitive topic that few dare to confront.  I absolutely get it.  Even when you have the courage to address it, you can't change it...only the one who is suffering can make the change.  

This may not resonate with you.  Maybe you haven't been touched or impacted by this killer, but I guarantee there is someone close to you who has.  They may be suffering deeply in silence.  So, to those of you who are suffering...I see you and even though there's a path of destruction behind you, I love you.  You do not have to hide under pride.  You are not alone.  1 in 5 Americans are suffering from mental illness.  I suspect that these numbers reflect those who have addressed their concerns, not the other slew of people who are living in denial. 

​No more reacting...just ACT.  Proactively seek healing. Even if you never admit to others your need for help, admit it to yourself and seek the help that you need.  Life is too short and too fragile to keep living in fear of exposure.  Your suffering is not a sin, but your neglect of it is.  You deserve to reach your potential.  There is a hope and a future for you.  

Depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, panic disorders, attachment disorders, psychosis, hallucinations, delusions, PTSD- there's no shame until it's too late.  Then, those who suffered in silence, suffer their name sprayed with shame and disgust.  

If you or someone you know displays the symptoms of mental illness, I encourage you to be brave.  I encourage you to take a step toward healing.  Maybe you don't know, because you can't see and dysfunction has become your normal, but you suspect that something may be off...may be wrong.  Take some time to research symptoms, cycles, and the aftermath of mental illness.  If the shoe fits, don't run away.  Call someone you can trust.  Reach out.  Get the help you need.  

Most mental illnesses are triggered by trauma.  Life is hard.  You aren't less of a person because it impacted you...you may have just never had the opportunity or the help needed to heal well.  When bad things happen, you can't just tuck them away and think they'll disappear.  They reappear and when they do, they are uglier and more destructive than before.  

My heart is heavy today because the news set me off.  He "heard voices" telling him to shoot a place up...but he left the hospital and then on another day, picked up a gun and killed dozens of people, multiplied trauma for hundreds more and now, his name will join the others who have worn their mental illness on their sleeves in front of nations.  

Rant over for now, but I'll carry the heaviness of this with me until we start being braver.  Myself included. 

www.pendulumpsych.com
www.safeharbor1.com
www.psychologytoday.com

Also, check out...
www.anitaphillips.com
@kiergaines

​

The beginnings of a love letter...

The girls and I enjoyed some time in South Carolina, at the beginning of the summer.  It's becoming a tradition and it is a refreshing one.  We are walking testimonies that even in the midst of difficulty, it is possible to bear good fruit.  Grace, peace, love, kindness, strength, wisdom and discernment...all of those things continue to sprout and multiply.  If you're in a season of burying, I encourage you to allow the seed to sink deep into the soil.  Don't let the cares of the world choke out the growth that God desires to develop in and through you.  You really don't have to look like what you've been through!  
​

I am often overwhelmed by this place I'm in- the tension of the waiting- knowing there's more ahead without really knowing what it is- things I know are still in a dormant place.  The answer to prayers prayed for years but not yet manifest.  Tension in waiting.  The absence of conflict.  The tension of waiting.  Finances at a standstill.  Bills mounting and bank account empty.  Car holding on at 230k miles. The tension between lack and abundance.  Family, love, ministry, finances- all in dissonance.  The tension between what is and what is to come...The waiting.

I am often overwhelmed by the waiting.  All of the hope and expectation inside and then the reality of the current circumstances that block the manifestation of the hope that I have.  The mountain between what is in my spirit and what is in my life.  The tension of walking by faith and not by sight.  Many give up here in this tension.  Many sink into the mud of hopelessness. Throw their arms up and retreat.  Back to old ways, yesterdays. Blankets, bed, depression.  The comfort of distractions. The temptation of sumptuous sin.  Because the waiting...

The waiting is tense.  The unknown, unseen but somehow expected.  The waiting is weighed down by all that is unseen, unfixed, misUNDERstood.  The waiting is a trip up a mountain with no ram in tow.  The waiting is wilderness manna.  Provision but not what the hope inside says is ahead.  Dissonance without disappointment.  The tension...of waiting.  The tension of sensing inside but not seeing.  The tension of the struggles that require always climbing over obstacles in an effort to succeed...achieve...arrive...only to find another one waiting on the other side...so I strive.  The tension of learning to rest in between with no security to sit in.  The tension of waiting but still believing.  Never giving up.  The tension that develops strength and endurance that must be needed for what is ahead.  Here's hope...again.

Hope that the tension is not in vain.  That the strength is not simply for another struggle but the calling.  The purpose. The vision.  I pause today and ponder the resting place.  What it looks like to rest between obstacles- to embrace the place of tension.  To understand that I can't control any of the tension.  I can't end it so I must surrender without sinking.  Stand on the mud without getting stuck.  Find higher ground.  Another step, another stretch...upward.

Father, help me in the tension of waiting.  Teach me how to wait...and worship.  Help me to wait in the tension with peace...security in your support.  Knowing that those who hope in the Lord will not be disappointed.  

Holding.

Waiting and still hoping.  Looking ahead and not behind.  Promises unfulfilled by a faithful God.  The weight of the past but the hope for the future.  The old thing and the new things.  Trying to forget.  Trying to imagine.  In this world but not of this world.  Here but not home. Well-doing but not due season.  Meant for evil but used for good.  All of it...tension.  But hope.  But help.  But healing.  None of these things possible but by the power of the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing God.  Only He can offer an easy yoke, a light burden in the waiting.  Only He can lay this heavy purpose on me and yet cause me to run and not grow weary.  Walk but don't faint.  Build an ark.  Praise in chains.  Sleep in storms.  Supernatural solace in the midst of chaotic contradictions.  Peace that passes understanding.  Tears, weariness, worry but still hope.  Because the tension of waiting develops roots, strengthens callings and builds a shelter for those yet to come.  

The tension is not the end.

Hope.  Hope not in the tension but in the One Who holds the new beginning in His hand and does not withhold from His children.  The dissonance won't lead me to disaster but to destiny.  Because God is good.  He delights in me.  He desires me. He loves me.  I am the apple of His eye.  Valued.  Royal.  A heir to Him.  I live, move and have my being in Him and He is all victory, all strength, all conquering.  He doesn't sink, sleep or slumber.  He reigns.  And I reign with Him.  So give me eyes to see past the tension, above the wait.  Soar.  See.  Stretch.  Strengthen.  

My story is not linear.  It is eternal.  Not my will- Your will be done.  Your Kingdom come.  In the waiting.  The temporary place.  Time is not my timetable, eternity is.  Hope.  Higher.  Heavenward.  Home.  My focus moves higher- upward- my Help- the hills- my high tower- within reach.  Always within reach.  Comes to me in the tension and there I hide in His shadow- even in the waiting.  This one thing I attain- even in the wait because if I cannot make it to Him, He is still ever present.  Right here with me in the place of tension.  Not egging me on or dangling the unreachable carrot ahead.  He is holding.  Keeping.  Comforting.  The Almighty God.  Everlasting Father.  Stepping with me, holding me up, supporting me, keeping me from falling.  In the wait, I'm almost there, He tells me.  And there- He is too.  

Before me, above me, below me, behind me.  Always faithful.  Always fruitful.  Always.  Always true.  Always strong.  Always able.  Always creating.  Giving life even in death.  He is life.  Even in the waiting.  He is peace.  He is victory.  Even in the in between.  Even in tension, He remains immovable.  The beginning and the end. 

The waiting is just a place in the middle of Him- the all-encompassing God.  The tension is surrounded, settled in Him.  Nestled in His sovereignty.  Held in His hand, not outisde of it.  I can't sink when He holds me.  I cant' fall through His fingers because He doesn't fail.  I'm safe.  I'm settled even when I'm here.  Tension in waiting.  Yes, but my position is not insecure.  It is immovable.  Perspective.  The threat is perceived but not predestined.  Hard pressed but not crushed.  Perplexed but not in despair.  Persecuted not abandoned.  Struck down, but not destroyed.  Held by God.  Secure.  Stable.  Circumstances.  Same God.  Same Hand.  Always with me. 

Safe in the waiting.

First post alert!  

I started my first blog in 2013...Sticky Floors and Jimmy Choos.  Oh, I loved that special blog.  I wrote some powerful pieces and then...lost it all.  I can see them in my mind's eye.  Disappointing, to say the least.

I am sure that I should write a book and have been for years.  Since college, really.  But life.  And then over-thinking.  I read recently that over-thinking is an unhealthy trait.  I agree!  I'm intentionally working on that.  I'm quite sure that over-thinking has kept me stuck many times in the past.  Oh Lord, free my mind!  (And my friend's too, while you're at it!)

I have no specific idea where this blog is going to go, but I do know that it is going to encourage someone and it is going to prepare me and you for the books that are to come.  I have a word inside of my belly and if God put it there, I know it's going to be good.  

God bless you, my sister friend.  God keep you and free you and bring you fully into your Divine potential.  May you begin to see what God wants you to see, hear what He wants you to hear and receive what He desires for you to receive.  If I have learned any one thing in the last season of my life, it is that we have already been given everything that we need to thrive in our purpose.  It was deposited into us before the world was formed and set on its axis.  Before the moon and stars were hung, God had already fully created you in His perfect purpose.  His mere THOUGHT was all that was needed to identify your gifts, your path and your calling.  He has never changed His mind.  He hasn't aborted the mission of YOU or crossed you off of His list.  He still has the same plan to give you a hope AND a future.  Oh my dear loved one, all you need to do is step into it.  There's not a person, place or thing that can hold you back from it, unless you choose to allow them to.  The plans of the Lord for your life are guaranteed to be successful.  Getting there is up to you.  

Hold my hand.  We can do this together...wade through the mucky waters of circumstances, ill-informed decisions and traumatic wounds that have altered our thinking and skewed our perspective.  It's time to be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we can prove what is that good and acceptable and PERFECT will of God.  Are you ready?  I know I am!